One Paragraph At A Time (Erotica-ish Challenge)…Homebanger Style

I had so much fun writing the bonus question from my  Sensual Blogger Award inspired by Speaking Out on Nate that I decided to jump to the challenge when he proposed more prompts here One Paragraph At A Time (Erotica-ish Challenge) and here Well…Dat Happened (Updated).  So the following are the prompts I was given and what I did with them.  I have no experience and very little imagination so cut a girl some slack.

#1: A 24 hour diner, a truck driver, a waitress with the hiccups, and a glass of water.

Jed pulled his 18 wheeler into The Big Pumper, a 24 hour diner, to get some food and catch a few hours of sleep.  He walked in, and took a seat at the counter just as a busty bosomed waitress turned around. “I’ll be right with you.” she said with a hiccup.  His eyes went straight to her voluptuous breasts as she continued to hiccup.  Every time her diaphragm contracted her beautiful breasts jiggled and looked as if they would spill out of her uniform.  It had been months since he had felt a woman’s pussy contract around his thick meaty cock.  “Maybe you should get a glass of water.” He told the waitress. “I’ve tried that.  I just need to swallow something really thick to get my diaphragm back in order.” she explained.  “I’ve got just the thing.” he responded.

#2: A magic mushroom, 2 fairies with butterfly wings, and a spider with a knack for tying knots.

Sasha was feeling the effects of the magical mushrooms she had taken, and decided there was no way she’d be able to handle herself around heterosexual men tonight. She walked into the bar and a hunky bartender said “Welcome to Two Fairies with Butterfly Wings.  What can I get you to drink?”  “Do you have any specials?” Sasha asked, “Tonight’s special is ‘A Spider with a Knack for Tying Knots’.  It’s a signature cocktail, all the fairies love it.” he explained  “Fairies?” “Oh, it’s just what we call our regular patrons.” explained the bartender.  “Oh.”, “So what brings a beautiful young lady to a gay bar?” he asked. “I just couldn’t handle straight guys tonight, I figured I’d be safe here.” she explained.  “Gotcha, well just to let know you know all the bartenders are straight.” Oh shit, she thought. “Really?” she asked.  “Yep, and I’m getting off at midnight if you want to stick around.” he replied.  “If I stick around will you get me off too?”

#3: A less than virtuous maiden, a knight with a secret, an innkeeper looking to make some money, and a rainy night.

The rain had just begun to fall as the innkeeper looked out of the cottage window.  “People will be looking for shelter soon, I’ll charge my highest rates, two shillings a night, due to the weather.” she thought.  Just then, a tall striking young knight busted through the doorway.  His armor was glistening with rain drops, reminding her of sweat-sheened bodies tangled much like a fly in a web of a spider with a knack for tying knots (Booyah! Didn’t expect me to use that twice, did ya?).  The innkeeper removed herself from her daydream to help the dashing knight.  “Need a room?” she asked. “Yes, two please, my sister will need one as well.” he responded in a warm rich deep voice.  Her pussy quivered in response.  “Alright, that’s four shillings, will you need anything else?”  “I’ll need some company for the evening, but only if you can keep a secret.” he seductively replied.  “What kind of secret?” “Meet me in my room and you’ll see.”  Just then the cottage door opened and a young maiden came in dressed entirely in white.  “This is my sister, she’ll need a room directly across from mine so I can keep an eye on her.” he instructed.  “Certainly, sir.”  The two guests were shown to their rooms, and the innkeeper told the knight she would be back shortly.  She knocked on the door, and the knight showed her into his room where the maiden laid tied to his bed wearing a corset fit for a harlot.  The knight came up behind her and whispered in her ear “Can you keep a secret?” as he covered her eyes with a blindfold.

Not my best work.  Maybe I should stick to banging, not erotica-ish paragraphs.  Next time maybe I’ll search out some magic mushrooms for inspiration.

The Kickass “MILF”

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I feel like I have a mommy tummy in this picture.

In honor of Mother’s Day, I decided a post dedicated to the best MILF qualities would be appropriate.  I told Cash long before having children that one of my main goals in life was to be a MILF.  For some reason being hot after children seemed more important than pre-children hotness.  I’m not sure why, I guess it’s a respect thing.  Cash says I’m not truly a MILF until our children’s friends lust after me, I’ve got a while before that happens (if it happens…fingers crossed).  I think having a child or children and then getting your sexy back classifies as MILF territory, no matter who wants to fuck you.

Here are my best MILF Qualities:

Confidence:  This is an extremely important trait, I think mother’s often have a high level of confidence because they have:  A. pushed a watermelon out of their woohoo, B. been sliced like a motherfucker and the watermelon pulled from said slice, or C. adopted which is totally badass in itself.  The confidence may not be with us everyday, but being comfortable in your own skin is very appealing.

Sassiness:  Along with confidence, mommas tend to have a pinch of sass.  Which is fun, and well… sassy!  Sassy mommas can talk a little shit, and know how to have fun.  But let’s not confuse this with bitchiness which is not hot at all, it just makes you a bitch.

Womanly bodies:  Sure there are women that look exactly the same after having children as they did before.  No signs of motherhood anywhere on their tight little bodies (bitches) but most women are left with subtle signs of motherhood.  Slightly widened hips and softer stomachs (saggier tits – I’m leaving this one out of the MILF list but felt like mentioning it).

Experienced Lovers:  They know what they like in bed, and they know how to return the favor.  Which is hot, I guess I can understand the appeal to an inexperienced partner, but I think having some knowledge of what’s going down is way hotter.  She can rock your world with her special tricks, and she’s more open to trying new things.

No cattiness (Mature):  Some women are always catty, however they do not make my MILF list, so suck it.  I think MILF worthy mother’s don’t have time to care or worry about what someone else is wearing or if it makes them look fat.  We are busy raising children, and being sex kittens behind close doors (or open ones if you’re into that sort of thing).

What did I leave out?